If I were a carp, I’d linger in my pond,
Bury my head in slime and be not wary.
I’d have all day and all night to myself,
Nothing would upset my calm.
I’d swallow corn after corn, worm after worm,
Gulp water and spit it out.
And when I slide past tadpoles or a swarm of little fish,
I’d take delight to see them flee in dread,
I’d laugh to myself and make a splash.
I’d glide silently at the bottom of my kingdom,
Watch other carp writhe and twist,
And lay a million eggs.
And when the murky waters clear,
I’d swim to the top and spend my sperm
And swim away without a qualm.
I would never count how many eggs were hatched
Or how the little fish fared,
I should not, would not care.
Born human, I wished I lived, not now but long ago.
I wished I were not I, but my ancestor.
I would live in a cave in a deep dense forest,
Snap juicy fruit and hunt deer.
I would gather daffodils or slumber on a lake shore,
Hide when the lion came.
I would play all day and wrestle all night,
Wonder why the moon was hungry,
Lean at times and full at times.
I would wonder if the stars were her children
Or her sisters,
I would wonder where the sun disappeared,
When it set
And which lion made it flee.
I would measure the length of rainbows,
Gauge them with my arms and let it be.
I would be hairy and strong.
I would lurk for women, capture them,
Pin them to the ground and let them flee.
It would not matter, if they cried, if they bled,
I’d make certain my sperm was spent and they were rid.
But living on the verge of the second millennium,
I am doomed to suffer.
I would see love begin but end too soon and know not why.
I would have memories that haunt me and words that hurt.
I would have questions with no answers.
I would love and be loved but never enough,
Never for long, never for ever.
Was it the money? Was it potency? Where had I failed?
Why did we trust yesterday?
Why did we love and what had gone astray?
I would build houses, but no one would dwell in them.
I would tell her, I loved her, but she wouldn’t care.
I would swear I’d never love again, make the same mistake Hurt myself again.
I would die without dying, live without living,
And when I laughed, no one would know,
I was laughing, but in pain.